200110523 李婧云 Esther
"Nerve sensitivity causes the self-protection of your brain. If you don't go to see a therapist, the condition may continue to worsen until you forget everything. In normal life, you should pay attention to..."
Sigrid didn't listen to the following words. There was no need to listen. A therapist? It sounded so easy to find a therapist. But for a person who was still struggling with making a living, how could she get enough money to afford a doctor that only rich people could afford?
Frankly speaking, maybe there was nothing bad about losing memories. There were too many people and things in this world that she wanted to forget, and there was no one worthy of her memory.
There is really no one you want to remember?
A voice came suddenly. Sigrid carefully distinguished the owner of the voice only to find that it was herself.
She paused for a moment, feeling very happy, as if she was about to weep.
"I'm coming." Eileen pushed the door open, kicked her high heels off, threw herself on the sofa. The bouquet in her hand flew out—it was a bunch of yellow roses.
"You're back." Sigrid sat on the end of the sofa and corrected the sentence, with a pair of gold-wired glasses on her nose bridge.
"Okay, okay, old woman."
The phone rang at that moment. The young woman on the sofa heaved a sigh, bounced like a spring, picked up the telephone, and then laid on the armrest of the sofa.
"No, tomorrow is ok."
" Nihao, byebye"
"That Chinese?" Sigrid handed her a cup of milk and started playing video games on her phone.
"Yeah, too stingy, but he still thinks he is fascinating. Ha Ha! How could it be? I don't even want to see him. I can't eat enough, every time we go out for dinner, E-V-E-R-Y time!"
Sigrid smiled, without a word.
Eileen drank all of the milk and knocked the glass with her little canine teeth.
This spring seemed to be very quiet. It was just six o'clock P.M. but the sky was half dark. Spring poured the mix of red and yellow light into the room, dividing the shadow of window into two or three.
What was the meaning of these hues? Ultimately the familiar transparency would be on stage again.
"I'm hungry," Eileen said suddenly.
"What do you want?" It was obviously unnecessary, but Sigrid stopped the game and walked towards the kitchen.
"Steak, I haven't eaten it for a long time"
"Add a fried egg?"
"And a lot of ketchup." Eileen answered happily, with a tone like a vigorous young girl.
It was always boring to stay alone in the living room. Eileen casually looked at those already-familiar decorations and finally stopped and gazed at the picture hanging on the wall.
The picture had curled a little. Probably because it had been hanging for a long time, the photos had turned yellow and looked a bit old. But those girls in the photo were always young, all smiling, so that people couldn't help but wonder whether this world was always in spring. Sigrid bit her lips slightly, with watery eyes. Her eyebrows were like spring breeze. She was smiling but not thoroughly, as if she was mocking the captive outsider. And Eileen also smiled, showing her small canine teeth, like a young girl who was about to go to university to draw everyone's attention.
Actually, neither of them had very changed much, but every time Eileen looked at this picture, she always felt that it had been taken a long, long time ago. At that time, they had just met. The relationship had been so fragile that they could do nothing but shop together. Luckily, they became familiar with each other. Before she had met her, her life was livid and boring; although now it was still the same, but there was fire and light.
She walked to the kitchen without knowing it, watching Sigrid skillfully stir fry.
That was her neverland, but also her safe zone.
But the goddess was always unwilling to expose all of herself, Eileen still didn't know the real name of Sigrid. All she knew about her was that she had married but had no children. Certainly, Eileen was not her real name.
What was real about them? In the morning, they were innocent college students. At noon, they were noble ladies in luxurious clothes. In the afternoon, they were teachers who taught hard. In the evening, they were girls who worked in a bar.
Only appearances are real.
But Eileen didn't mind sharing her real name with Sigrid. She even took out her passport again and again, pointed at the name on it, and said, "Look, this is actually my name. This is me." But her voice was too loud, it was more like reminding herself: Look, I still exist, right? I am real.
In fact, what was the meaning of a real name? Could anyone get out of danger because they knew it? Eileen was not so naive anymore to believe such a lie. If she didn't know how to hold on to the life-saving straw in front of her, she would have eventually drowned in the waves.
"Dear, please go out and wait. This will hurt you," Sigrid chuckled and pulled Eileen's hands away from her waist.
Eileen giggled and walked away. Sigrid looked at her back and felt strange. Even if they lived together every day, she was actually not sure if Eileen's back has always been so thin.
Just like she was not sure how many letters were in the name of her best friend in high school.
"I heard that Sherry is about to get married? Shall we go to the wedding?" Sigrid put the hot steak on the table, wiped her hands, and asked.
"Sherry? Who is she?"
"Why don't you remember? Look, the one in the middle of the picture. "
"Her name is Marcelin."
"Oh, I don't remember. "
Most of the friendships in this world are very fragile. This truth also applied to them, but even if they hated each other for a long time, when they lost each other, they would still feel unbearable, as if to regret their mediocre live had been less fun from then on. And women were precisely such kind of creature. Just now they were of mutual jealousy, but soon they would connect their hearts and walk hand in hand.
Therefore, no matter how terrible the relationship was, names should not be forgotten so quickly.
Eileen opened her mouth and finally just delivered a piece into it.
"Jesus! It's so sweet. Did you put sugar in it?" Eileen covered her mouth with her hand and ran to the trash can, spit out the steak, and asked bitterly.
"Really? Then I must have misplaced it. Isn't salt in the second bottle on the left? "
"It's in the first bottle. And it's you that put them there. You have never made such a stupid mistake. "
Eileen knew that Sigrid had been taking some white pills for a while. Sigrid had gone to the hospital several times secretly. Once she was found sitting in someone else's car. Words cascaded in torrents from the driver, but she couldn't listen to him at all. She watched as Sigrid walked slowly down the street towards the hospital. The road was blocked. The car moved so slowly that for a moment; Sigrid was just in front of her. She knew clearly that she could open the window and hug her, like countless people who were depending on each other in this miserable world.
But she couldn't, and she knew better than anyone that the life in the car was promising, even though her Prometheus was outside.
"I don't mind your sickness! Please, don't hide everything from me, please..." Eileen suddenly broke down and cried. She didn't know how long she hadn't cried with sincerity. The last time was when she was a child; her favorite grandmother died of cancer, and she cried so much, as if the tears of her whole life had been shed. But now her tears still couldn't stop falling down.
"I know, I know... " Sigrid was particularly surprised, and stared at Eileen. Clearly, she was good at personnel, but even after exhausting all her experience, she also failed to foresee this kind of thing happening. It was natural for her to be a little alarmed.
"Doctor said it's a very common disease that can be cured." Sigrid's voice became sharp, low, like hanging on a rope.
"It doesn't matter. I just... I just want you know I don't mind it. But I'm ok now." Eileen Wiped tears away, sat down again and put on a very official smile.
"I just forget things." After a moment of silence, Sigrid smiled bitterly said.
As the weather got hotter, people's clothes slowly decreased, just like Sigrid's memories.
Life could go on as normal until one day, Sigrid called the man next to her by the wrong name. Even explaining it with witty jokes, she knew she couldn't do this job anymore.
Then what should she do?
Sigrid didn't know whether she had spoken the question out loud or if cohabitation had provided a tacit understanding between them. Unexpectedly, Eileen answered this question.
"I can support you! The new man has a lot of money. He is really, really, really generous. He has given me a lot. We can buy a wide range of items, such as a TV or..."The young girl fantasized excitedly.
Sigrid noticed that Eileen's skirt had been bought by her, and it seemed that Eileen had never gone to work in it.
How could she ignore such an important thing?
Every word said by Eileen was always easy and quick. Before she had distinguished truth and false, Eileen moved on to the next topic.
Life slipped through fingers by living in the past.
"Oh? Sounds good." Sigrid revived at her word and answered casually.
Looking at Sigrid's confused eyes, Eileen knew she had forgotten, even if she had said it last week.
Sigrid forgot too fast.
It would be her turn, soon.
Sigrid had no job. Everyday, the only thing she could do was to hole up in the house. Eileen usually shared experiences of meeting fresh things with her, like a child, gushing. She also talked about how Sigrid used to play tricks on her, overstated and embellished. But all of her words met the same answer.
"I can't remember."
Those interesting or vivid things, because of that short sentence, finally became voiceless and meaningless.
To support another person, Eileen had to work harder. One night, it was late, but Eileen was busy writing plans. Sigrid rubbed her eyes wearily, laid on her arm, and asked inexplicably, "Why are you trying so hard? Hard work is the most useless thing in the world, and even sometimes, it will knock you down a peg. "
She was very sleepy so her voice was weak, like a piece of dead wood, and didn’t have its spring.
Eileen's nose twitched. She did not understand why Sigrid could be so natural when asking this question. The previous Sigrid was calm, full of wisdom, like Athena fallen down to the human world.
Eileen knew that if a person had been bitten by a snake, even ten years later, he would still be afraid of well ropes. If she could, she really wanted to cut up the sinister snakes.
Unfortunately, she could only force a smile, touch Sigrid's head, and say: "Of course it's not true. it's just your efforts temporarily have been lent to me, but I'll return it you soon."
All the evil deeds created in the past were from Greed, Anger and Infatuation.
It was such a hard time, but somehow time still flew.
The daffodils on the balcony flowered, but it was snowing outside the window.
The heavy snow fell, as if to flood people.
Eileen looked at Sigrid nesting at home, planning to take her out and walk around. Maybe that could make her better.
So, she took Sigrid to the amusement park and watched Sigrid run around in a rabbit-eared hat, not like an adult at all.
For a long time, Eileen had not been so happy as at this moment. Life seemed to become promising again. Once she had missed Sigrid—fresh, lively, energetic—finally all returned at this moment.
They also went on the Ferris wheel.
There was a fairy tale spreading in the world—If you make a wish at the top of the Ferris wheel, it will come true.
It's ridiculous, but Eileen had to believe this foolish fairy tale.
She made a wish.
Sigrid, you must remember me, forever.
But fairy tales are always deceptive.
The leaves of daffodils began to turn to yellow because of the departure of Winter, and the day time outside was getting longer and longer. Nevertheless, life inside the house was not.
"I have told you. I really have tried to protect this fragile flower. But I have no way. Moreover... "
"You are a little noisy." Sigrid frowned and didn't smile as she used to.
Eileen was a bit startled but immediately gave the smile that she was best at and said, "Okay, let's buy another one."
Then Eileen hugged her tightly.
Spring was coming; it must get better.
The sorrow of activists is the most helpless.
Sigrid's memory still became worse.
One morning, Sigrid looked at Eileen with blank and alert eyes. Eileen knew that the thing she was most afraid of had happened.
"Do you know what my name is?" She asked tentatively.
"No," Sigrid shook her head, and said honestly.
"Eileen, the roommate you've had for years."
Eileen nodded, got up woodenly, and went to the bathroom to wash.
After washing her face, Eileen looked at herself in the mirror. Her hair had grown a lot longer, no longer short hair. She had watery eyes, giving others a pitiful feeling. But she always smiled, with two dimples. As a consequence, people were easy to be warmed to smile with her.
She could always bring joy, and she knew it clearly.
So, she smiled towards the mirror. However, she was still dissatisfied. Then she pulled the corners of her mouth wider with her fingers.
Suddenly she locked the door, bending, covering her mouth with hands, making a whine.
She had read few books, but she remembered faintly that a great poet once said something like, when Winter comes, Spring will not be far away.
But her winter was rather long. Why had Spring still hadn’t come?
Fear of being forgotten had become a mistake, because even after introducing herself a few hours ago, Sigrid would immediately forget, not to mention having an impression of her the next day.
Eileen started having nightmares every night. She dreamed of a blurry figure on an endless ice sheet, constantly moving forward. No matter how desperately, loudly, she yelled, that person did not care, and still went farther and farther, until it could not be seen any more.
Waking up in the middle of the night, she got up with a vengeance, only to find that Eileen was sitting by the bed looking at her helplessly.
"You seem to be afraid; is it because of me?"
"No!" Hearing this, Eileen immediately hugged Sigrid tightly, with her tears pouring down.
"I'm not afraid. Don't leave me. Please..."
"I'm not afraid."
Eileen repeated over and over again. No one knew who she was talking to.
Sigrid was flummoxed by it. She could do nothing but to pat Eileen's back in response.
Having peeped at happiness, no matter how the soul wailed, life would still return to blank.
Was there a chance for her to try to struggle one more time?
After a longtime crying, the person lying on her belly was so tired that she slept again. But Sigrid was no longer sleepy, and she decided to wait for this person to wake up.
It would take a long time for someone to wake up.
While forgetting a person wouldn't.
She glanced over the bedside table, only to find a diary which was covered with dust.
The handwriting was familiar, but she couldn't remember who the owner was.
My name is Sigrid.
I was seriously ill, but I have no money to cure it.
My roommate's name is Eileen. She is a little noisy, but she is the angel for me. My life is not bright, even painful. So, I must cherish her.
Every morning I get up, the first thing I should do is to call Eileen's name, to deepen the impression. If I forget her name, she will be very sad.
Be enthusiastic with her and listen to her carefully. I can't work, so I can't drag her down anymore.
She took me to see a lot of people, but I couldn't recognize them. Whether they said to me was praise or taunt, I can't tell. But I could still feel her mood. That was strange, but pleasing.
I can hardly remember her. I can't remember until I look at this diary. That's terrible. God, I can forget anything else. I beg you, please allow me to remember her.
She has been completely erased from my mind. The next time I remember reading this diary, when is it? I will give up this life, I know. But God, if you are really alive, please let her forget me. She is too kind, even foolishly. She will never let me go. How can I haunt her for the rest of the life? Her life will be totally dark, how can you agree?
That's the last thing I beg you. Please let Eileen forget Sigrid.
If the April sky refuses to be torn, how to start weaving May's clothes?
Eileen made a long-time dream. It was even long enough for her to live her whole life in it.
She dreamed of that she was awake, and Sigrid looked at her tenderly with a smile, calling her name.
" Do you want to eat something?”
All appearances are illusion.
Like dew or a flash of lightning,
Like a dream, an illusion, a bubble, a shadow.